Quick Update

I'm doing good. I'm acting & dancing & doing makeup & keeping kids out of trouble. I'm getting thinner. What else is there? I miss you all. I don't even have time to read your blogs. :'( But my heart is with you. I think about you all the time.Stay strong.

'Til We Meet Again

I leave tomorrow for drama camp. I'm so excited!!! All you girls' comments were so sweet & supportive. I'll miss being able to blog as often as I want to. I'll get on when I can, though. I fully expect to weigh 90 pounds when I get back.
Stay strong over the summer all of ya! <3 I hope & pray each one of you is able to find happiness in your life, whether you find it in Ana or in recovery.
I love you all!!!!!!

Rule #1- Don't Joke About Weight Loss

I was talking with some of my friends yesterday at lunch. Somehow the subject of different diets came up, & we were all kinda kidding around. Unfortunately, I know too much. And I said too much. And it led to a facebook conversation with a friend who doesn't know I have an eating disorder, but is getting a little suspicious. I'll copy & paste parts of it.

Kara
it isn't healthy for any person to lose 8 pounds in a week
Me
lol
Kara
don't laugh it isn't healthy
Me
i wouldn't do anything like that long-term. i know better than that.
Kara
you shouldn't do it period

Kara
losing 2 pounds a week is the most that is healthy... 8 pounds is alot especially when someone is underweight already
Me
i am not underweight
Kara
you said so yourself today
Me
no, i said if i lost 25 pounds i would be
Kara
your BMI is underweight
isn't it?
what is your BMI now?
Me
19
point something
Kara
well you are then on the very low side of normal.
losing 8 pounds is not a good idea.
over a month for someone who needs to lose it maybe...but one week and someone who is borderline underweight...
Nat,I am saying this because I am worried about you. I don't want you to do something that hurts your body.
Me
It's not like you think.

Of course, what she doesn't know is that it IS like she thinks. And that my BMI is 18.2 which is in fact, slightly underweight. But she doesn't need to know that. And I'm keeping my mouth shut from now on.

Kat

She's back! She's really back. I should be sad she isn't recovering. I am in a way. But I've missed her. And I know how hard it is to feel like you have to recover when you don't want to.
katproanaquest.blogspot.com is her new blog.
More later, girlies. My head hurts.

I may be leaving for a while... :(

It's almost summer. I have a great opportunity to be a counselor at a drama camp. I would absolutely love to work with some amazing directors, teach other kids & teens what I've learned, learn more about the theatre myself, & be able to put this experience on scholarship aplications. :) I would miss blogging & reading your blogs so much. :( I'd be around occasionally, but not a lot. There are other things I would miss too. Watching my bros play soccer, 2 long runs a day, hanging out with my girls, bonfires in the backyard, staying up all night just looking at the stars. My buddy, Will, & I were thinking of starting a band. My sister, Heather, wants me to stay with her for a few months. Instead I would be spending my days with middle school "drama queens" in every sense of the word. I'd be drilling them on their lines, demonstrating the same choreography thousands of times, letting them paint my face with stage makeup over & over, spending late nights with power tools in hand constructing the set, & then painting it & fixing all their mistakes. Put like that it doesn't sound fun, but I really would love it. We'll see. It's a lot to think about. It would definitely be good exercise. And I would definitely be able to avoid eating, though if anyone caught on I would be under a lot of pressure. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Wish me luck.

111

I'm 111 pounds. I can't believe it. I wasn't even trying very hard. OK, it's time for me to wake up out of this shock, and celebrate!
YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
OK, I know I still have a ways to go. But I definitely thought I would be more. I didn't even want to weigh myself because I thought it would be a LOT more. I feel like I can do anything. And... maybe I can.

Oh, Steven...

For those of you that may not remember, Steven is my ex before my current ex. He's also one of my best friends. He told me he wanted to talk to me. We went to a little coffee shop & I pretended to drink a latte. He said I don't look happy anymore. He asked why I broke up with Derek since I was so obviously in love with him. I told him I needed space to think. He asked if I still loved Derek. I told him I only date boys I love. He asked if that meant I still loved him. I told him that I did, but that he was too much like my brother. You can't date your brother. He smiled and asked if I was really doing OK. I said I was OK, just tired, which is true. I am OK with the fact that I am losing weight & that it is not good for me. That is not OK to him, but he doesn't need to know. He walked home with me & hugged me good-bye. Afterwards, I felt so very alone. I binged and purged which I hadn't done in quite a while. But it's all right. I ate some celery for lunch today (negative calories),and that's all I'm having. I have a cast party to go to tonight, but "I ate before I came." I'm going to weigh in tomorrow morning. The number doesn't matter that much, but I want to know where I stand. I know I've lost; I can see ribs. Well, I'll find out tommorow & let you lovely girls know! :)