OK, this is like the sweetest thing ever...

OK, I told you about writing love on my arm today in my last post. I've had a lot of people ask me about it all day, and I'm happy to tell them that I'm supporting everyone who struggles with self-injury. :) Then Cassie asked me. My first reaction was like, "You don't KNOW?", but I explained. She knows about the cutting. She was the first one to know. She got really quiet for a minute. Then she dug through my backpack for a pen, pulled up her sleeve, and wrote "LOVE" in huge letters on her arm. Then she hugged me tight & told me I was her best friend & she loved me. I kinda started tearing up, but it was happy tears. I hugged her back and told her, "Thank you for helping me stop cutting."
It's true. Love CAN replace cutting. Can it replace an eating disorder? I don't know yet.

Love On My Arms

Probably most of you have heard of To Write Love On Her Arms. (If you haven't go to twloha.com.It's pretty cool.) I have the word "LOVE" written on my arm in red Sharpie today to support all those who are struggling with cutting and other forms of self-injury. I was a cutter for a long time, so it's important to me to support those who have been where I have.
I've been thinking about the people who have "written love on her arms" by being there & caring about me. Family, friends, and of course all of you- my followers. Sometimes the world seems like a very dark place, but.... it's not really. No matter what is going wrong, all of us are loved. Even if we are only loved by one person, that would be enough. And I want y'all to know that you are loved by me.
<3
Nat

Little Update :)

You girls are so sweet & wonderful! I hope you all had an amazing weekend. :) I actually got a little extra sleep for once. This is performance week, so I don't know how much I will be blogging, but believe me, I will stay Ana-strong! :)
Steven, my boyfriend before Derek, gave me a call last night & wants to hang out. We're really good friends & everything, but he didn't tell me what he wanted &... I don't know... it was just weird the way he asked. I don't think I would go out with him again; I don't think he would ask. But I really don't know what's going on.
???

Random & Long... (sorry, don't feel like you have to read it)

I have a giant stack of homework, but I don't feel like doing it. So I'm posting again. I love blogging. It's a little scary telling people what I think. But it's OK. I wish I could come up with something beautiful or inspirational to say. I wish I could make y'all smile today. But I really have nothing to say.
I should just stop now. But I'm not going to...
Did y'all know that a 20 oz. diet Pepsi has 8 oz. of caffeine? I don't know how I missed that fact before today, but it's something new I learned. :)
Zero calories. 8 oz. of caffeine on an empty stomach. That should be good for me. The sad thing is I don't know if I mean that last sentence sarcastically or not.
I miss Kate. Most of y'all have probably read her blog. If you haven't, don't worry about it. She posts every month or two & says that next time she won't wait so long in between postings anymore. Then she does it again. I hate it. But I love her anyway. I don't know why, but she feels like my big sister. Maybe because my big sister does kind of the same thing in real life.
I don't think I've ever trusted anyone that deserved it. I trust people despite the fact that they let me down & break their promises over & over. I keep going back for more, keep forgiving, keep loving them. Once you have my love and my trust you have it forever. That makes me very vulnerable. It's sad.
OK, I can feel the caffeine getting to my stomach. It hurts. And I still have the nasty taste of aspartame in my mouth. I hate, hate, hate diet Pepsi.
I need a really big hug. I think I will stop now & go find someone to hug. :)Derek gave the best hugs ever. But he's not my boyfriend anymore. So I will not think about that.

Empty

I actually don't remember the last time I ate. Well, I did at Jakob's party, but I threw up so that doesn't count. I've been busy. I'm not hungry. So I haven't eaten. I don't know what I weigh. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
I told Cassie all that this morning. But we had classes to go to. She said we would talk. But we won't because there is always something going on. And it doesn't matter.

Courage

I went to my friend Jakob's birthday party last night. I hate people watching me eat.
I need you to know I'm not through the night.
Somedays I'm still fighting to walk towards the light.

Derek... I love you...

I know it's for the best. I know I'm too far gone, & I couldn't stand to make you watch your girlfriend slowly shrink into nothing. I know you couldn't understand why I was tired of trying, tired of fighting. I know you feel betrayed. I know you feel inadequate. I know you feel that I chose anorexia over you. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I shut you out. I'm sorry I loved you too much to let you in. If you completely understood what it's like inside my head right now, it would crush you inside. So I couldn't let you understand. And I let go.
Derek, I love you. I will always, always love you.
~Nat