1) What is your favourite time of day? Why?
afternoon, because that's when i have the most energy
2) What are you currently obsessed with?
anorexia... yeah...
3) Cats or dogs?
dogs, definitely :)
4) Harry potter or twilight?
not really a big fan of either
5) Favourite tv programme?
sports, if that counts
6) Whats your favourite song for today?
hmmm... i have 2 :) stand in the rain (superchick)& taylor, the latte boy (kristin chenoweth)
7) Did you believe in the tooth fairy?
of course!!
8) Why did you start blogging?
to express my crazy self & connect with other people with eating disorders
9) Facebook or twitter?
facebook... but i don't really have to time to go on... i just blog :)
10) How are you?
freakin tired
and... ok... how do you tag people?
Friday, April 9, 2010
Wow... the amount of followers has doubled overnight! Thank you to Helen who put a link on her blog to mine & a few other people's blogs! And thank you to everyone that's following now!! :)
I feel a little better today. I called Heather, my big sis, last night & talked to her for about an hour. I love that girl. :) She thinks I should move into her apartment at least for the summer. So I might do that. A change of scenery might be good for me. Not having 2 other people in my room would be good too. Although I gotta admit I love Skyler & Brenna a lot. I just love everybody! And that makes it hard when I know I'm letting them down.
Well, I'm not coming up with a lot of original thoughts today. So I'll close with words from this song from Superchick.
Stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain
I feel a little better today. I called Heather, my big sis, last night & talked to her for about an hour. I love that girl. :) She thinks I should move into her apartment at least for the summer. So I might do that. A change of scenery might be good for me. Not having 2 other people in my room would be good too. Although I gotta admit I love Skyler & Brenna a lot. I just love everybody! And that makes it hard when I know I'm letting them down.
Well, I'm not coming up with a lot of original thoughts today. So I'll close with words from this song from Superchick.
Stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain
Thursday, April 8, 2010
It's Hard Today
I'm getting sick. I'm lonely. I love people & they don't love me. And all of this is because I wasn't strong enough to stand up & fight. I gave in. I let Ana take me. I took the easy way out. It's easy for me to focus on numbers instead of life. It's easy to come up with a reason not to eat instead of sitting down & giving my body the food it needs while my soul screams in protest. It doesn't take strength for me to be anorexic. It takes incredible strength to be normal. And I'm not strong.
I know this: I DON'T want to get well.
But if I don't, I will eventually die.
Thinking through all of this is too much right now. So I will do my homework while my friends eat lunch. After school I will go to rehearsal & come home & run. I will be a pound or two closer to nothing tomorrow. And I'll sing & feel good about it. And I'll be dying.
Girls, listen. Don't let yoursleves get this far. Get out of this trap while you still can. Because there will come a time when you can't. I'm there right now. Get out.
I love you,
Nat
I know this: I DON'T want to get well.
But if I don't, I will eventually die.
Thinking through all of this is too much right now. So I will do my homework while my friends eat lunch. After school I will go to rehearsal & come home & run. I will be a pound or two closer to nothing tomorrow. And I'll sing & feel good about it. And I'll be dying.
Girls, listen. Don't let yoursleves get this far. Get out of this trap while you still can. Because there will come a time when you can't. I'm there right now. Get out.
I love you,
Nat
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Yeah, twice in one day...
The song I wrote about in my last post is "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz. It's not pro-ana at all, actually the opposite. But I like it. And I've noticed that, for me anyway, when I'm feeling good about myself it's easier to not eat. When I feel fat & ugly, I binge. Weird, huh? So I'm totally OK with telling myself I'm beautiful.
So I'm posting again just to let you girls know that Derek & I have officially broken up. I'm a little sad; I really do love him. But it's better this way. It was kinda a mutual decision. So don't feel bad for me or anything, I'm OK. What will make me feel A TON better is if I get lots of comments telling me these 3 things:
1. Why you are a beautiful person. I know it's hard to feel like we have beautiful bodies, but why are we beautiful PEOPLE?
2. What you did today just to make yourself happy.
3. What you did today just to make yourself thin. Right now, 2 & 3 are kinda the same for me. :) But they don't have to be.
Comment & tell everyone else to comment. I would kinda like to have more followers anyway...
<3 you all,
Nat
So I'm posting again just to let you girls know that Derek & I have officially broken up. I'm a little sad; I really do love him. But it's better this way. It was kinda a mutual decision. So don't feel bad for me or anything, I'm OK. What will make me feel A TON better is if I get lots of comments telling me these 3 things:
1. Why you are a beautiful person. I know it's hard to feel like we have beautiful bodies, but why are we beautiful PEOPLE?
2. What you did today just to make yourself happy.
3. What you did today just to make yourself thin. Right now, 2 & 3 are kinda the same for me. :) But they don't have to be.
Comment & tell everyone else to comment. I would kinda like to have more followers anyway...
<3 you all,
Nat
"Little girl, 21, you never thought this would come...
You starve yourself to play the part.
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are
There could never be a more beautiful you."
I sang along to these words as I got ready for school this morning. I put on my favorite necklace & a really cute shirt I borrowed from my sister. I smiled at myself in the mirror. Anyone that could have seen me would have that I was a normal girl. Maybe even a little happier than normal.
No one knows that I only ate half an apple yesterday & went running in the freezing rain. No one knows that I'm doing the same thing today. If they knew, they'd try to make me eat. And that would destroy the happy girl inside me.
When I fight, I hurt. When I let go, let myself sink down, suddenly I find myself flying higher than ever before. I'm beautiful. I'm thin and getting thinner. I'm anorexic. And I love it!
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are
There could never be a more beautiful you."
I sang along to these words as I got ready for school this morning. I put on my favorite necklace & a really cute shirt I borrowed from my sister. I smiled at myself in the mirror. Anyone that could have seen me would have that I was a normal girl. Maybe even a little happier than normal.
No one knows that I only ate half an apple yesterday & went running in the freezing rain. No one knows that I'm doing the same thing today. If they knew, they'd try to make me eat. And that would destroy the happy girl inside me.
When I fight, I hurt. When I let go, let myself sink down, suddenly I find myself flying higher than ever before. I'm beautiful. I'm thin and getting thinner. I'm anorexic. And I love it!
Friday, April 2, 2010
:)
I wasn't sure if anyone would read what I wrote yesterday. I was lashing out & trying to act like I don't care, but I felt so worthless. Then this morning I logged on & saw that Helen had commented. Thanks, girlie, that made me so happy! I think I will be OK now. :)
So yesterday, when I woke up my mom had breakfast made for me & a lunch packed. I waited until my parents & siblings had all left. (I don't have to be at school til 9 on Tuesdays & Thursdays.) Then I went downstairs & started running everything down the garbage disposal. I felt a little guilty... especially since she'd made biscuits which are really good. But I remembered a quote I heard once: "Wasting food is wasting food whether in a body that doesn't need it or in a trashcan. The difference is that it won't hurt the trashcan, but it will hurt you." I ate one baby carrot & ran up & down the stairs 40 times. (2 sets of 20 with a 30 second break in between) I felt so GOOD!!! I felt strong & powerful &.... Anorexic! The EDNOS, Mia feelings are hard to deal with. I'm not trying to put down anyone who has those disorders, but for me it's like, I was Ana's girl first & foremost & then all these other things happened & I changed. It feels really good to be getting back. It's like coming home. :)
I have to admit, I did eat a slice of pizza last night. I don't know how many calories, but it couldn't have been that many. Even if it was 500, that's still like the only thing I ate! So I'm not letting it get me down.
I had to be into school early this morning, so my mom hadn't even made breakfast yet. She gave me some money for food. I might get a Diet Pepsi or something later if I feel like I need energy. I should be OK with just water though.
Tonight is the photo shoot for the play I am in. Yeah, I made it btw. :) It's the Mikado by Gilbert & Sullivan & I am Pitti-Sing, the mezzo soprano. I know that probably made no sense to anyone... But anyway, photo shoot tonight. Here's to hoping I look thin! I'm not really supposed to lose weight until it's over, but a few pounds won't hurt. 3 weeks til curtain. 3 weeks til all out weight loss!YAAAAYYY!!!!
So yesterday, when I woke up my mom had breakfast made for me & a lunch packed. I waited until my parents & siblings had all left. (I don't have to be at school til 9 on Tuesdays & Thursdays.) Then I went downstairs & started running everything down the garbage disposal. I felt a little guilty... especially since she'd made biscuits which are really good. But I remembered a quote I heard once: "Wasting food is wasting food whether in a body that doesn't need it or in a trashcan. The difference is that it won't hurt the trashcan, but it will hurt you." I ate one baby carrot & ran up & down the stairs 40 times. (2 sets of 20 with a 30 second break in between) I felt so GOOD!!! I felt strong & powerful &.... Anorexic! The EDNOS, Mia feelings are hard to deal with. I'm not trying to put down anyone who has those disorders, but for me it's like, I was Ana's girl first & foremost & then all these other things happened & I changed. It feels really good to be getting back. It's like coming home. :)
I have to admit, I did eat a slice of pizza last night. I don't know how many calories, but it couldn't have been that many. Even if it was 500, that's still like the only thing I ate! So I'm not letting it get me down.
I had to be into school early this morning, so my mom hadn't even made breakfast yet. She gave me some money for food. I might get a Diet Pepsi or something later if I feel like I need energy. I should be OK with just water though.
Tonight is the photo shoot for the play I am in. Yeah, I made it btw. :) It's the Mikado by Gilbert & Sullivan & I am Pitti-Sing, the mezzo soprano. I know that probably made no sense to anyone... But anyway, photo shoot tonight. Here's to hoping I look thin! I'm not really supposed to lose weight until it's over, but a few pounds won't hurt. 3 weeks til curtain. 3 weeks til all out weight loss!YAAAAYYY!!!!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Here We Go Again
I can't do it. I can't do the recovery thing. I've been there before, and I'm not going there again.
Everyone says I'm not trying hard enough. How hard is enough? This is my 3rd time going through this, remember? I know what I'm doing better than you do. I TRIED! HARD! I ate when it made me hate myself. I got out of my house & walked all over town just so I wouldn't be able to go to my bathroom and throw up. But apparently I'm not trying hard enough. ??? I know I'm not perfect. Trust me, I hate that more than you do!!
Derek, Cassie, Ariel... they are all upset with me right now.:'(
Fine. If I can't recover well enough to make y'all happy, I'll be the best little ana you've ever seen. Because someone should be happy here! It might as well be me.
Everyone says I'm not trying hard enough. How hard is enough? This is my 3rd time going through this, remember? I know what I'm doing better than you do. I TRIED! HARD! I ate when it made me hate myself. I got out of my house & walked all over town just so I wouldn't be able to go to my bathroom and throw up. But apparently I'm not trying hard enough. ??? I know I'm not perfect. Trust me, I hate that more than you do!!
Derek, Cassie, Ariel... they are all upset with me right now.:'(
Fine. If I can't recover well enough to make y'all happy, I'll be the best little ana you've ever seen. Because someone should be happy here! It might as well be me.
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