I took a good look at myself this morning. The arms scarred from an old habit of cutting. The emerging hipbones. The thighs that still touch a little. I tried to remember how and why I began to associate thinness with perfection. I couldn't.
I wonder sometimes how this story will end...
Anyway... I am excited for this weekend! Derek, my boyfriend, has a wrestling tournament, so I'm going to go and cheer for him. :)
Juice fast is still on.
Love to anyone & everyone who reads! <3
Nat
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Ana and I
First, I want to say thank you for the comments! :) It's way more fun to blog if you know people read it. :)
So this room situation is gonna take a little while to adjust to. But there's no getting out of it, so I'm just gonna have to tough up & make it work. There is one plus- stress makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn't eat if I wanted to right now. Breakfast is easy to skip & I usually practice my guitar during lunch. If people see me take a sandwich into the practice room with me, they don't worry. I throw it away, and the problem is solved. :) Dinner is tricky, but last night I did my homework at Cassie's house, so I used the classic excuse. "No, I'll go home and eat.... No, I ate at Cassie's house." Total calorie intake: 0
I'm gonna liquid fast for the next 5 days hopefully. I'm really motivated to lose weight right now. The "normal" side of me is screaming, wanting me to protect myself, not take this risk just to be thin. It's ok, Nat. Ana knows what she's doing.
So this room situation is gonna take a little while to adjust to. But there's no getting out of it, so I'm just gonna have to tough up & make it work. There is one plus- stress makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn't eat if I wanted to right now. Breakfast is easy to skip & I usually practice my guitar during lunch. If people see me take a sandwich into the practice room with me, they don't worry. I throw it away, and the problem is solved. :) Dinner is tricky, but last night I did my homework at Cassie's house, so I used the classic excuse. "No, I'll go home and eat.... No, I ate at Cassie's house." Total calorie intake: 0
I'm gonna liquid fast for the next 5 days hopefully. I'm really motivated to lose weight right now. The "normal" side of me is screaming, wanting me to protect myself, not take this risk just to be thin. It's ok, Nat. Ana knows what she's doing.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
CRAP...
Okaaayy, so my life just got turned upside down. I'm literally shaking. What kind of parents would do something like this to me? OK, I'll try to calm down & explain.
Until yesterday I had 6 people living in my house. Now... there's 8. Just like that. My Grandpa moved in with us yesterday. I wouldn't mind if I had known it was coming. But, no, I got 2 1/2 hours to prepare. My sister had to move into my room. I love my sister, but my room really isn't big enough for 2. I had to move half my stuff into the basement. My books, my stuffed animals, even some of my clothes...
Then it got worse. I mentioned Brenna in my last post. She's been spending a lot of time at my house because her parents are having problems. She called last evening & wanted to spend the night. My parents thought it was a great idea. So she slept in my room too. THEN, this morning, my parents & her parents talked & decided it would be better if she STAYED with us. Like for weeks or months or whatever. Are you kidding me?
I'm trying not to be selfish. I mean, I love my Grandpa & Brenna & I know they really do need to have a good place to stay. But... OK, the number of shoes in my closet just quadrupled! Can you blame me for being a little freaked out?!
I can't sleep with people in my room. I don't really do well at sleepovers even. Now this. How am I gonna do my homework, play my guitar, even change clothes with 2 other people?
OK, I will look on the bright side. At least Heather has not decided to move back home. Yet.
Until yesterday I had 6 people living in my house. Now... there's 8. Just like that. My Grandpa moved in with us yesterday. I wouldn't mind if I had known it was coming. But, no, I got 2 1/2 hours to prepare. My sister had to move into my room. I love my sister, but my room really isn't big enough for 2. I had to move half my stuff into the basement. My books, my stuffed animals, even some of my clothes...
Then it got worse. I mentioned Brenna in my last post. She's been spending a lot of time at my house because her parents are having problems. She called last evening & wanted to spend the night. My parents thought it was a great idea. So she slept in my room too. THEN, this morning, my parents & her parents talked & decided it would be better if she STAYED with us. Like for weeks or months or whatever. Are you kidding me?
I'm trying not to be selfish. I mean, I love my Grandpa & Brenna & I know they really do need to have a good place to stay. But... OK, the number of shoes in my closet just quadrupled! Can you blame me for being a little freaked out?!
I can't sleep with people in my room. I don't really do well at sleepovers even. Now this. How am I gonna do my homework, play my guitar, even change clothes with 2 other people?
OK, I will look on the bright side. At least Heather has not decided to move back home. Yet.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
More People... and Me
I came up with names for people that I will probably mention in my blog fairly often.
Heather- my big sis
Skyler- my little sis
Drew- my little bro
Lukas- my littlest bro
Derek- my boyfriend <3
Jakob- Ariel's boyfriend
Steven- my ex-boyfriend & still a good friend (I don't know why we ever dated. We never liked each other in that way. We laugh about it now.)
Alex- Steven's twin brother
Brenna- Skyler's best friend who spends a lot of time at our house. She is super thin without even trying which really triggers me.
Will- Skyler's ex-boyfriend who is quite sad about losing my sister. I told him he could talk to me anytime... and he takes me up on that.
Nat- me :) I purposely picked a name that rhymed with Kat. Her old blog Quest for Perfection was one of my favorites & I miss it. (Although I love Kate's blog too.) Seeing 2 sides of the same story has shown me who I am. I'm not your conventional pro-ana. And I'm not pro-recovery. I really don't know exactly what I want, but I do know this- I am more than my eating disorder. It's part of my life, but not the whole thing. Most of the girls who are blogging about their eating disorders seem to be consumed with that one area of their life. I'm not condemning that, but I know it can't be easy for them. I read their blogs & see how much pain they are in, and I cry for them. And I pray they will be able to love themselves with or without ana, which ever way they choose in the end.
This blog will hopefully show a bigger picture of life. I want it to maybe give a little light & hope.
Heather- my big sis
Skyler- my little sis
Drew- my little bro
Lukas- my littlest bro
Derek- my boyfriend <3
Jakob- Ariel's boyfriend
Steven- my ex-boyfriend & still a good friend (I don't know why we ever dated. We never liked each other in that way. We laugh about it now.)
Alex- Steven's twin brother
Brenna- Skyler's best friend who spends a lot of time at our house. She is super thin without even trying which really triggers me.
Will- Skyler's ex-boyfriend who is quite sad about losing my sister. I told him he could talk to me anytime... and he takes me up on that.
Nat- me :) I purposely picked a name that rhymed with Kat. Her old blog Quest for Perfection was one of my favorites & I miss it. (Although I love Kate's blog too.) Seeing 2 sides of the same story has shown me who I am. I'm not your conventional pro-ana. And I'm not pro-recovery. I really don't know exactly what I want, but I do know this- I am more than my eating disorder. It's part of my life, but not the whole thing. Most of the girls who are blogging about their eating disorders seem to be consumed with that one area of their life. I'm not condemning that, but I know it can't be easy for them. I read their blogs & see how much pain they are in, and I cry for them. And I pray they will be able to love themselves with or without ana, which ever way they choose in the end.
This blog will hopefully show a bigger picture of life. I want it to maybe give a little light & hope.
Monday, January 25, 2010
My Favorite People :)
I know, I know, I'm posting twice in one day & I don't even have a single follower yet. But I was bored... And I want to tell you about the people in my life because so much of who I am comes from them.
First, my Daddy! He's the best dad in the world, no questions asked. I'm a lot like him in my ability to make people laugh and be totally oblivious to the haters. Unlike me, he's a really good cook & extremely smart. He'd do pretty much anything to give me the best life possible, and my worst fear is disappointing him. So... even though he's super understanding, I keep my eating disorder hidden from him. I know he would be sad. He's the person in my family I'm the closest to.
Then I have my friend Cassie. She's my "princess" friend. Loves girly movies, dressing up, and all that. Totally klutzy, trips over flat surfaces on a regular basis. We have great times making fun of each other, but when it comes down to it, when I'm crying, she's the one I want to be with. She'll sit with me & let me lay my head on her shoulder until I'm calmed down. She always, always understands. I trust her with my life.
My other good friend is Ariel. She's kinda quiet until you get to know her, but she's one of the awesomest people in the world. I hate video games for the most part (cause I'm horrible at them), but she has got me HOOKED on Wii Fit. She's also my running buddy although a lot of our runs end at the coffee shop, so I'm not sure how effective that is. She's very logical and good at seeing all different angles of a problem, so she helps me kinda sort things out. I love her lots.
So those are my 3 best friends on earth. I have a few more people I want to write about, but I really do need to get some homework done.
First, my Daddy! He's the best dad in the world, no questions asked. I'm a lot like him in my ability to make people laugh and be totally oblivious to the haters. Unlike me, he's a really good cook & extremely smart. He'd do pretty much anything to give me the best life possible, and my worst fear is disappointing him. So... even though he's super understanding, I keep my eating disorder hidden from him. I know he would be sad. He's the person in my family I'm the closest to.
Then I have my friend Cassie. She's my "princess" friend. Loves girly movies, dressing up, and all that. Totally klutzy, trips over flat surfaces on a regular basis. We have great times making fun of each other, but when it comes down to it, when I'm crying, she's the one I want to be with. She'll sit with me & let me lay my head on her shoulder until I'm calmed down. She always, always understands. I trust her with my life.
My other good friend is Ariel. She's kinda quiet until you get to know her, but she's one of the awesomest people in the world. I hate video games for the most part (cause I'm horrible at them), but she has got me HOOKED on Wii Fit. She's also my running buddy although a lot of our runs end at the coffee shop, so I'm not sure how effective that is. She's very logical and good at seeing all different angles of a problem, so she helps me kinda sort things out. I love her lots.
So those are my 3 best friends on earth. I have a few more people I want to write about, but I really do need to get some homework done.
Below the Surface
Last time, I presented my life as others see it. Today I'm going to go a little deeper. This blog is called "Up and Down" for a reason. Remember I told you that I never give up? I'm in a battle. I've been fighting for a long time, and the end is still far away. I have an eating disorder. I want to get well. I don't want to get well. And so I fight with myself every day. And until I find a solution, I will keep fighting.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Gettin' This Thing Started
This is the first of what I hope will be many posts just talking about my life and the lessons I learn from it. You will learn a lot more about me, but for now I just want to say that I'm a random, crazy girl who never, ever gives up. Remeber that, it will be important. I love acting, sports, writing, and people. :) And I am probably the stubbornest girl in the world.
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