I'm Taking A Break

I can't tell you exactly what's wrong because I don't know. This blog thing has me torn between two worlds. I'm hurting. And I am not strong right now. Forgive me.
I need to go somewhere very safe within myself. This doesn't feel safe right now, putting my heart on a screen for the world. I have a lot to deal with. And I'm sorry I couldn't help y'all. :'(
I'll be back someday. I promise. Because I am not going to die.

A Little Angry Right Now

I have an audition this afternoon for a musical. The information the director gave me definitely did not say we have to be prepared to sing two songs! I just found out. I don't have my guitar. I don't have karoake (sp?)tracks. I don't have music for an accompianist. And I probably won't have time to practice. But I'm gonna go try out anyway!! And if I fail, that's just how it will have to be. I don't know what to sing though. >:( Maybe I can find a guitar somewhere... Idk. This is stupid. The director should have put this on the sheet.

Believe

I'm really at a loss for what to say right now. So... here are some song lyrics! The song is Believe by Britt Nicole & I <3 it!It kinda expresses the way I am feeling.

Wait, wait, wait, there's somethin' that I gotta say
It'll take, take, take, just a minute so don't walk away
I search in circles for a remedy
To fight the poison that is killing me
It's like I'm falling fast head over feet
Is anybody listening?

[CHORUS]
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will you help me
I wanna break through
I wanna believe in you

Hey, hey, hey, why is everyday the same for me?
Fake, fake, fake, just pretend what I'm suppose to be
I need an answer for my remedy
I need a Savior 'cause I'm in too deep
I reach up,
Will You reach down here to me?

[CHORUS]

You found me, You were looking for me
You found me, You were looking for me
You found me, You were waiting for me
I can see Your love
You found me, You were waiting for me
I can see Your love

I believe in You, I believe in You, I believe in You
I believe in You, I believe in You, I believe in You

[CHORUS x2]

Explanation

I haven't been commenting on some of your blogs lately and I feel bad. The reason is that for some of you when I try to go to your blog it shows a little warning first that there might be adult content. That screen apparently "red-flags" the IT department at school. I've still been reading everyone's posts in Google Reader, but I can't go directly to the blog anymore unless you want to take down the warning. :/ It's a little weird cause some of the blogs that are even more triggering or whatever, but don't warn you are fine. So I promise I am reading & supporting all of you. I <3 you girls!

Pizza

I went to Cassie's house after school yesterday. I was going to leave before they had dinner, but she told me I had to promise to eat at home. I couldn't promise her that, couldn't lie to my best friend.
"I don't know, Cassie. I'm trying, but it's really hard to make myself do it."
"I know. I'm sorry. But you really need to eat."
"Yeah, I know."
"Stay and eat with me."
"Cassie..." (whining)
"Just one piece of pizza. And some salad if you want it."
"Can I just have the salad?"
"Nope."
So I ate a piece of pizza. I hadn't had pizza in forever. I told her I couldn't eat it downstairs with her whole family. So we ate together in her room. It was all cheesy and greasy and... kind of delicious. Of course afterwards, all I could think about was throwing up. I pretty much curled up in her chair and cried because I hated my body so much. But here's the thing, I made it! It was a very small step, but it WAS a step! I <3 my buddy Cassie. :)

Hello Again :)

I haven't known exactly what I wanted to write in the last few days. Also I've had a lot going on with schoolchurchfamilydramabasketballbeingDerek'sgirlfriend.... Yeah, just like that. I'm a little tired. :P The eating thing is hard. Most of the time lately I have pretty good excuses not to eat because I'm so busy. In fact, it's more convenient to just grab some coffee and run to the next thing. But I know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna run out of energy. I'll black out and end up somewhere where they will make me eat if I don't make myself. It's hard though.
It's not easy letting go. Part of me has always wanted to get well. But...part of me hasn't. That part is sad.

I'm gonna get well.

Remind me I said that if I forget. OK?

Reaching a Solution

REASONS TO GET WELL
I want to live.
I am TERRIFIED of dying.
I want kids & if I don't get well, that won't happen.
I love my family. And my friends. And Derek.
I am more than an eating disorder.
I am tired of being tired.
Counting calories involves too much math. lol
I'm NOT fat.
Restricting leads to binging which leads to purging which is gross!
I don't want to destroy my throat and not be able to sing anymore.


REASONS TO NOT GET WELL.
I AM fat.
I don't like being fat.
I've been through recovery twice already, and I always come back.
I hate therapists. I will NOT talk to anymore of those people!
I don't want to be status quo. Even if I'm thin, I want to be thinnER than anyone else.

Come back tomorrow for the next episode...

That Stubborn Boy

"Derek, we need to talk."
"What's up?"
"I love you, but I can't be your girlfriend anymore."
"What?!"
"I'm sorry."
"OK, those two statements don't work together. Either you love me, or you want to break up. Which one is real?"
"Derek, this is not what I want to do!"
"Then don't do it. I love you!"
"You don't understand."
"Then tell me, Nat. Help me understand."
"I can't!" (I break down & cry. He hugs me.)
"Nat, what is it?"
"I- I have an eating disorder."
"I'm sorry, hun. I'm really sorry."
"I can't get well. I'm going to die. So we need to break up."
"Nat... what are you saying? You can get well."
"No."
"You CAN. Because you are the strongest woman I know and because I will not let you die. And I will not let you go."
"Derek, I've had this for years."
"You have me for the rest of your life."
"What if I dont want to get well?"
"Then you have me for the rest of your life which won't be as long." (I laugh. I can't help it.)

Which Way Is Up?

This was my weekend.
eat purge eat purge eat purge eat purge...

Not necessarily binging although I did some of that. But just eating. I couldn't stand it. And yet I kept trying. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should stay away from food. Starving is better than throwing up, isn't it?

My friends know I'm sick. I sometimes refuse to admit it even to myself. But even I cannot ignore the fact that what I'm doing is not normal, not healthy, not right.
So where am I going from here? I wish I could tell you.

I've been reading through your blogs. I'm seeing the fight to be thin versus the fight to live over and over. What does being thin really get us? 2 weeks ago I was 125 & now I'm 117. Does that make me better? Does that make me happier?

And yet... the thought of being fat scares me beyond words. And why? I've always been one to say I am more than my eating disorder. Then why can't I let it go?

I'm still doing a lot of soul-searching. If I find an answer, I'll let you know.

<3 Always,
Nat

History (Almost) Repeats Itself

I had a lot of things I wanted to talk about the other day, but this new situation has kinda made me forget them. Wednesday I was supposed to go running with Ariel after school. So I met up with her & Cassie was there too. That's when they told me I was not going running that day. I was going with them to get some cheesecake.

Flashback 2 years... I was at my lowest weight. I'd been living off apples, celery, and Diet Pepsi for... well... it seemed like forever. They took me to get cheesecake. Said they were worried about me. I couldn't eat it. Not even for them. I broke down crying. And I went into recovery. Then I went into bulimia. Then back to recovery. Now... I'm probably EDNOS. I'm not anorexic because my BMI isn't low enough and I still have my period.

So apparently my friends got worried and decided I needed another intervention. As soon as they said "cheesecake", I knew what was up. So I went with them. I ate the cheesecake & purged it later. And I tried to tell them I'm fine. It's not a big deal. Because it isn't... is it?

Why can't I just get well?

Quickie Post

119.5 pounds! Yay! I'm slowly builiding up my metabolism again. After a 5-day fast, even with juice, it drops some. I've been eating vanilla yogurt in the morning and mixing in some cinnamon. Then I eat a salad for lunch and dinner with no dressing, or cheese, or anything like that. Good stuff. I will try to let y'all know about the rest of my life later, but I need to go to class. Keep your fingers crossed for me because we're having a test I did not study for. :(

Wrestling, Starving, and Thinking...

Well, Derek did a great job at his wrestling tournament & ended up taking 2nd in his weight class. :) One of the guys told me I should be a cheerleader. I asked him what weight class he was in. As I figured, he was 125. Perfect. I took him down. I wrestled. I won. No, I should not be a cheerleader. :D I wish my school let girls wrestle. :'(
One more day of the juice fast. I'm excited to see how much weight I've lost. I am freakin' hungry right now, probably because I just got back from an early morning run & my body is craving carbs. I'll make it though. Be hungry today, be thin tomorrow.
I wonder why this matters so much. What do I think being thin will get me? I'm the girl that absolutely should not have an eating disorder. I have a family and friends that love me. I have a boyfriend who tells me I'm beautiful. I play sports; I act; I'm kinda popular. And I really don't HATE the way I look. I just... don't like it. If any of you are even thinking about recovery, I say go for it. Get some help if you need to. But just get well!