Which Way Is Up?

This was my weekend.
eat purge eat purge eat purge eat purge...

Not necessarily binging although I did some of that. But just eating. I couldn't stand it. And yet I kept trying. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should stay away from food. Starving is better than throwing up, isn't it?

My friends know I'm sick. I sometimes refuse to admit it even to myself. But even I cannot ignore the fact that what I'm doing is not normal, not healthy, not right.
So where am I going from here? I wish I could tell you.

I've been reading through your blogs. I'm seeing the fight to be thin versus the fight to live over and over. What does being thin really get us? 2 weeks ago I was 125 & now I'm 117. Does that make me better? Does that make me happier?

And yet... the thought of being fat scares me beyond words. And why? I've always been one to say I am more than my eating disorder. Then why can't I let it go?

I'm still doing a lot of soul-searching. If I find an answer, I'll let you know.

<3 Always,
Nat