I may be leaving for a while... :(

It's almost summer. I have a great opportunity to be a counselor at a drama camp. I would absolutely love to work with some amazing directors, teach other kids & teens what I've learned, learn more about the theatre myself, & be able to put this experience on scholarship aplications. :) I would miss blogging & reading your blogs so much. :( I'd be around occasionally, but not a lot. There are other things I would miss too. Watching my bros play soccer, 2 long runs a day, hanging out with my girls, bonfires in the backyard, staying up all night just looking at the stars. My buddy, Will, & I were thinking of starting a band. My sister, Heather, wants me to stay with her for a few months. Instead I would be spending my days with middle school "drama queens" in every sense of the word. I'd be drilling them on their lines, demonstrating the same choreography thousands of times, letting them paint my face with stage makeup over & over, spending late nights with power tools in hand constructing the set, & then painting it & fixing all their mistakes. Put like that it doesn't sound fun, but I really would love it. We'll see. It's a lot to think about. It would definitely be good exercise. And I would definitely be able to avoid eating, though if anyone caught on I would be under a lot of pressure. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Wish me luck.

111

I'm 111 pounds. I can't believe it. I wasn't even trying very hard. OK, it's time for me to wake up out of this shock, and celebrate!
YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
OK, I know I still have a ways to go. But I definitely thought I would be more. I didn't even want to weigh myself because I thought it would be a LOT more. I feel like I can do anything. And... maybe I can.

Oh, Steven...

For those of you that may not remember, Steven is my ex before my current ex. He's also one of my best friends. He told me he wanted to talk to me. We went to a little coffee shop & I pretended to drink a latte. He said I don't look happy anymore. He asked why I broke up with Derek since I was so obviously in love with him. I told him I needed space to think. He asked if I still loved Derek. I told him I only date boys I love. He asked if that meant I still loved him. I told him that I did, but that he was too much like my brother. You can't date your brother. He smiled and asked if I was really doing OK. I said I was OK, just tired, which is true. I am OK with the fact that I am losing weight & that it is not good for me. That is not OK to him, but he doesn't need to know. He walked home with me & hugged me good-bye. Afterwards, I felt so very alone. I binged and purged which I hadn't done in quite a while. But it's all right. I ate some celery for lunch today (negative calories),and that's all I'm having. I have a cast party to go to tonight, but "I ate before I came." I'm going to weigh in tomorrow morning. The number doesn't matter that much, but I want to know where I stand. I know I've lost; I can see ribs. Well, I'll find out tommorow & let you lovely girls know! :)

Just a Quickie :)

Well, the play and my period are both over. (Yay!) Ariel thinks I might have had (or maybe still have) an ovarian cyst which was why I was in so much pain. Idk. I feel better now anyway. :)
I have a lot more to tell you all, but I have tests to study for, guitar to practice, & next year's classes to sign up for. Love ya'll!

Nat

Fail.

I have the most messed-up period... like EVER! I never know when I'm going to get it or for how long. Play performances start TODAY. So of course I wake up this morning in the most horrible pain I have ever, EVER been in my life. It was BAD, girls!!! :'( Yup, it was my period. I immediately scarfed down a 530 calorie fudge brownie, realized it was 530 calories, & threw it back up. Went to go lay down for a few more minutes, figuring I could get ready for school really fast later. Fell back asleep for 20 minutes. Woke up with 5 minutes til I needed to leave. Took a wicked fast shower, Tylenol, Motrin, & sprinted to school. Almost passed out in the hallway, made it to the bathroom & threw up because I was in so much pain. Took more Tylenol & Motrin. Sat through classes with no idea what was happening. And now, I have to go get ready to get on stage, sing, act, dance, the whole nine yards. I feel a little better, but not much. :P This is dumb. I can't wait til I lose my period once & for all!

OK, this is like the sweetest thing ever...

OK, I told you about writing love on my arm today in my last post. I've had a lot of people ask me about it all day, and I'm happy to tell them that I'm supporting everyone who struggles with self-injury. :) Then Cassie asked me. My first reaction was like, "You don't KNOW?", but I explained. She knows about the cutting. She was the first one to know. She got really quiet for a minute. Then she dug through my backpack for a pen, pulled up her sleeve, and wrote "LOVE" in huge letters on her arm. Then she hugged me tight & told me I was her best friend & she loved me. I kinda started tearing up, but it was happy tears. I hugged her back and told her, "Thank you for helping me stop cutting."
It's true. Love CAN replace cutting. Can it replace an eating disorder? I don't know yet.

Love On My Arms

Probably most of you have heard of To Write Love On Her Arms. (If you haven't go to twloha.com.It's pretty cool.) I have the word "LOVE" written on my arm in red Sharpie today to support all those who are struggling with cutting and other forms of self-injury. I was a cutter for a long time, so it's important to me to support those who have been where I have.
I've been thinking about the people who have "written love on her arms" by being there & caring about me. Family, friends, and of course all of you- my followers. Sometimes the world seems like a very dark place, but.... it's not really. No matter what is going wrong, all of us are loved. Even if we are only loved by one person, that would be enough. And I want y'all to know that you are loved by me.
<3
Nat

Little Update :)

You girls are so sweet & wonderful! I hope you all had an amazing weekend. :) I actually got a little extra sleep for once. This is performance week, so I don't know how much I will be blogging, but believe me, I will stay Ana-strong! :)
Steven, my boyfriend before Derek, gave me a call last night & wants to hang out. We're really good friends & everything, but he didn't tell me what he wanted &... I don't know... it was just weird the way he asked. I don't think I would go out with him again; I don't think he would ask. But I really don't know what's going on.
???

Random & Long... (sorry, don't feel like you have to read it)

I have a giant stack of homework, but I don't feel like doing it. So I'm posting again. I love blogging. It's a little scary telling people what I think. But it's OK. I wish I could come up with something beautiful or inspirational to say. I wish I could make y'all smile today. But I really have nothing to say.
I should just stop now. But I'm not going to...
Did y'all know that a 20 oz. diet Pepsi has 8 oz. of caffeine? I don't know how I missed that fact before today, but it's something new I learned. :)
Zero calories. 8 oz. of caffeine on an empty stomach. That should be good for me. The sad thing is I don't know if I mean that last sentence sarcastically or not.
I miss Kate. Most of y'all have probably read her blog. If you haven't, don't worry about it. She posts every month or two & says that next time she won't wait so long in between postings anymore. Then she does it again. I hate it. But I love her anyway. I don't know why, but she feels like my big sister. Maybe because my big sister does kind of the same thing in real life.
I don't think I've ever trusted anyone that deserved it. I trust people despite the fact that they let me down & break their promises over & over. I keep going back for more, keep forgiving, keep loving them. Once you have my love and my trust you have it forever. That makes me very vulnerable. It's sad.
OK, I can feel the caffeine getting to my stomach. It hurts. And I still have the nasty taste of aspartame in my mouth. I hate, hate, hate diet Pepsi.
I need a really big hug. I think I will stop now & go find someone to hug. :)Derek gave the best hugs ever. But he's not my boyfriend anymore. So I will not think about that.

Empty

I actually don't remember the last time I ate. Well, I did at Jakob's party, but I threw up so that doesn't count. I've been busy. I'm not hungry. So I haven't eaten. I don't know what I weigh. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
I told Cassie all that this morning. But we had classes to go to. She said we would talk. But we won't because there is always something going on. And it doesn't matter.

Courage

I went to my friend Jakob's birthday party last night. I hate people watching me eat.
I need you to know I'm not through the night.
Somedays I'm still fighting to walk towards the light.

Derek... I love you...

I know it's for the best. I know I'm too far gone, & I couldn't stand to make you watch your girlfriend slowly shrink into nothing. I know you couldn't understand why I was tired of trying, tired of fighting. I know you feel betrayed. I know you feel inadequate. I know you feel that I chose anorexia over you. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I shut you out. I'm sorry I loved you too much to let you in. If you completely understood what it's like inside my head right now, it would crush you inside. So I couldn't let you understand. And I let go.
Derek, I love you. I will always, always love you.
~Nat

Got Tagged :)

1) What is your favourite time of day? Why?
afternoon, because that's when i have the most energy
2) What are you currently obsessed with?
anorexia... yeah...
3) Cats or dogs?
dogs, definitely :)
4) Harry potter or twilight?
not really a big fan of either
5) Favourite tv programme?
sports, if that counts
6) Whats your favourite song for today?
hmmm... i have 2 :) stand in the rain (superchick)& taylor, the latte boy (kristin chenoweth)
7) Did you believe in the tooth fairy?
of course!!
8) Why did you start blogging?
to express my crazy self & connect with other people with eating disorders
9) Facebook or twitter?
facebook... but i don't really have to time to go on... i just blog :)
10) How are you?
freakin tired

and... ok... how do you tag people?

Wow... the amount of followers has doubled overnight! Thank you to Helen who put a link on her blog to mine & a few other people's blogs! And thank you to everyone that's following now!! :)
I feel a little better today. I called Heather, my big sis, last night & talked to her for about an hour. I love that girl. :) She thinks I should move into her apartment at least for the summer. So I might do that. A change of scenery might be good for me. Not having 2 other people in my room would be good too. Although I gotta admit I love Skyler & Brenna a lot. I just love everybody! And that makes it hard when I know I'm letting them down.
Well, I'm not coming up with a lot of original thoughts today. So I'll close with words from this song from Superchick.

Stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

It's Hard Today

I'm getting sick. I'm lonely. I love people & they don't love me. And all of this is because I wasn't strong enough to stand up & fight. I gave in. I let Ana take me. I took the easy way out. It's easy for me to focus on numbers instead of life. It's easy to come up with a reason not to eat instead of sitting down & giving my body the food it needs while my soul screams in protest. It doesn't take strength for me to be anorexic. It takes incredible strength to be normal. And I'm not strong.
I know this: I DON'T want to get well.
But if I don't, I will eventually die.
Thinking through all of this is too much right now. So I will do my homework while my friends eat lunch. After school I will go to rehearsal & come home & run. I will be a pound or two closer to nothing tomorrow. And I'll sing & feel good about it. And I'll be dying.
Girls, listen. Don't let yoursleves get this far. Get out of this trap while you still can. Because there will come a time when you can't. I'm there right now. Get out.
I love you,
Nat

Yeah, twice in one day...

The song I wrote about in my last post is "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz. It's not pro-ana at all, actually the opposite. But I like it. And I've noticed that, for me anyway, when I'm feeling good about myself it's easier to not eat. When I feel fat & ugly, I binge. Weird, huh? So I'm totally OK with telling myself I'm beautiful.
So I'm posting again just to let you girls know that Derek & I have officially broken up. I'm a little sad; I really do love him. But it's better this way. It was kinda a mutual decision. So don't feel bad for me or anything, I'm OK. What will make me feel A TON better is if I get lots of comments telling me these 3 things:
1. Why you are a beautiful person. I know it's hard to feel like we have beautiful bodies, but why are we beautiful PEOPLE?
2. What you did today just to make yourself happy.
3. What you did today just to make yourself thin. Right now, 2 & 3 are kinda the same for me. :) But they don't have to be.
Comment & tell everyone else to comment. I would kinda like to have more followers anyway...
<3 you all,
Nat

"Little girl, 21, you never thought this would come...

You starve yourself to play the part.
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are
There could never be a more beautiful you."
I sang along to these words as I got ready for school this morning. I put on my favorite necklace & a really cute shirt I borrowed from my sister. I smiled at myself in the mirror. Anyone that could have seen me would have that I was a normal girl. Maybe even a little happier than normal.
No one knows that I only ate half an apple yesterday & went running in the freezing rain. No one knows that I'm doing the same thing today. If they knew, they'd try to make me eat. And that would destroy the happy girl inside me.
When I fight, I hurt. When I let go, let myself sink down, suddenly I find myself flying higher than ever before. I'm beautiful. I'm thin and getting thinner. I'm anorexic. And I love it!

:)

I wasn't sure if anyone would read what I wrote yesterday. I was lashing out & trying to act like I don't care, but I felt so worthless. Then this morning I logged on & saw that Helen had commented. Thanks, girlie, that made me so happy! I think I will be OK now. :)
So yesterday, when I woke up my mom had breakfast made for me & a lunch packed. I waited until my parents & siblings had all left. (I don't have to be at school til 9 on Tuesdays & Thursdays.) Then I went downstairs & started running everything down the garbage disposal. I felt a little guilty... especially since she'd made biscuits which are really good. But I remembered a quote I heard once: "Wasting food is wasting food whether in a body that doesn't need it or in a trashcan. The difference is that it won't hurt the trashcan, but it will hurt you." I ate one baby carrot & ran up & down the stairs 40 times. (2 sets of 20 with a 30 second break in between) I felt so GOOD!!! I felt strong & powerful &.... Anorexic! The EDNOS, Mia feelings are hard to deal with. I'm not trying to put down anyone who has those disorders, but for me it's like, I was Ana's girl first & foremost & then all these other things happened & I changed. It feels really good to be getting back. It's like coming home. :)
I have to admit, I did eat a slice of pizza last night. I don't know how many calories, but it couldn't have been that many. Even if it was 500, that's still like the only thing I ate! So I'm not letting it get me down.
I had to be into school early this morning, so my mom hadn't even made breakfast yet. She gave me some money for food. I might get a Diet Pepsi or something later if I feel like I need energy. I should be OK with just water though.
Tonight is the photo shoot for the play I am in. Yeah, I made it btw. :) It's the Mikado by Gilbert & Sullivan & I am Pitti-Sing, the mezzo soprano. I know that probably made no sense to anyone... But anyway, photo shoot tonight. Here's to hoping I look thin! I'm not really supposed to lose weight until it's over, but a few pounds won't hurt. 3 weeks til curtain. 3 weeks til all out weight loss!YAAAAYYY!!!!

Here We Go Again

I can't do it. I can't do the recovery thing. I've been there before, and I'm not going there again.
Everyone says I'm not trying hard enough. How hard is enough? This is my 3rd time going through this, remember? I know what I'm doing better than you do. I TRIED! HARD! I ate when it made me hate myself. I got out of my house & walked all over town just so I wouldn't be able to go to my bathroom and throw up. But apparently I'm not trying hard enough. ??? I know I'm not perfect. Trust me, I hate that more than you do!!
Derek, Cassie, Ariel... they are all upset with me right now.:'(
Fine. If I can't recover well enough to make y'all happy, I'll be the best little ana you've ever seen. Because someone should be happy here! It might as well be me.