Quick Update

I'm doing good. I'm acting & dancing & doing makeup & keeping kids out of trouble. I'm getting thinner. What else is there? I miss you all. I don't even have time to read your blogs. :'( But my heart is with you. I think about you all the time.Stay strong.

'Til We Meet Again

I leave tomorrow for drama camp. I'm so excited!!! All you girls' comments were so sweet & supportive. I'll miss being able to blog as often as I want to. I'll get on when I can, though. I fully expect to weigh 90 pounds when I get back.
Stay strong over the summer all of ya! <3 I hope & pray each one of you is able to find happiness in your life, whether you find it in Ana or in recovery.
I love you all!!!!!!

Rule #1- Don't Joke About Weight Loss

I was talking with some of my friends yesterday at lunch. Somehow the subject of different diets came up, & we were all kinda kidding around. Unfortunately, I know too much. And I said too much. And it led to a facebook conversation with a friend who doesn't know I have an eating disorder, but is getting a little suspicious. I'll copy & paste parts of it.

Kara
it isn't healthy for any person to lose 8 pounds in a week
Me
lol
Kara
don't laugh it isn't healthy
Me
i wouldn't do anything like that long-term. i know better than that.
Kara
you shouldn't do it period

Kara
losing 2 pounds a week is the most that is healthy... 8 pounds is alot especially when someone is underweight already
Me
i am not underweight
Kara
you said so yourself today
Me
no, i said if i lost 25 pounds i would be
Kara
your BMI is underweight
isn't it?
what is your BMI now?
Me
19
point something
Kara
well you are then on the very low side of normal.
losing 8 pounds is not a good idea.
over a month for someone who needs to lose it maybe...but one week and someone who is borderline underweight...
Nat,I am saying this because I am worried about you. I don't want you to do something that hurts your body.
Me
It's not like you think.

Of course, what she doesn't know is that it IS like she thinks. And that my BMI is 18.2 which is in fact, slightly underweight. But she doesn't need to know that. And I'm keeping my mouth shut from now on.

Kat

She's back! She's really back. I should be sad she isn't recovering. I am in a way. But I've missed her. And I know how hard it is to feel like you have to recover when you don't want to.
katproanaquest.blogspot.com is her new blog.
More later, girlies. My head hurts.

I may be leaving for a while... :(

It's almost summer. I have a great opportunity to be a counselor at a drama camp. I would absolutely love to work with some amazing directors, teach other kids & teens what I've learned, learn more about the theatre myself, & be able to put this experience on scholarship aplications. :) I would miss blogging & reading your blogs so much. :( I'd be around occasionally, but not a lot. There are other things I would miss too. Watching my bros play soccer, 2 long runs a day, hanging out with my girls, bonfires in the backyard, staying up all night just looking at the stars. My buddy, Will, & I were thinking of starting a band. My sister, Heather, wants me to stay with her for a few months. Instead I would be spending my days with middle school "drama queens" in every sense of the word. I'd be drilling them on their lines, demonstrating the same choreography thousands of times, letting them paint my face with stage makeup over & over, spending late nights with power tools in hand constructing the set, & then painting it & fixing all their mistakes. Put like that it doesn't sound fun, but I really would love it. We'll see. It's a lot to think about. It would definitely be good exercise. And I would definitely be able to avoid eating, though if anyone caught on I would be under a lot of pressure. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Wish me luck.

111

I'm 111 pounds. I can't believe it. I wasn't even trying very hard. OK, it's time for me to wake up out of this shock, and celebrate!
YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
OK, I know I still have a ways to go. But I definitely thought I would be more. I didn't even want to weigh myself because I thought it would be a LOT more. I feel like I can do anything. And... maybe I can.

Oh, Steven...

For those of you that may not remember, Steven is my ex before my current ex. He's also one of my best friends. He told me he wanted to talk to me. We went to a little coffee shop & I pretended to drink a latte. He said I don't look happy anymore. He asked why I broke up with Derek since I was so obviously in love with him. I told him I needed space to think. He asked if I still loved Derek. I told him I only date boys I love. He asked if that meant I still loved him. I told him that I did, but that he was too much like my brother. You can't date your brother. He smiled and asked if I was really doing OK. I said I was OK, just tired, which is true. I am OK with the fact that I am losing weight & that it is not good for me. That is not OK to him, but he doesn't need to know. He walked home with me & hugged me good-bye. Afterwards, I felt so very alone. I binged and purged which I hadn't done in quite a while. But it's all right. I ate some celery for lunch today (negative calories),and that's all I'm having. I have a cast party to go to tonight, but "I ate before I came." I'm going to weigh in tomorrow morning. The number doesn't matter that much, but I want to know where I stand. I know I've lost; I can see ribs. Well, I'll find out tommorow & let you lovely girls know! :)

Just a Quickie :)

Well, the play and my period are both over. (Yay!) Ariel thinks I might have had (or maybe still have) an ovarian cyst which was why I was in so much pain. Idk. I feel better now anyway. :)
I have a lot more to tell you all, but I have tests to study for, guitar to practice, & next year's classes to sign up for. Love ya'll!

Nat

Fail.

I have the most messed-up period... like EVER! I never know when I'm going to get it or for how long. Play performances start TODAY. So of course I wake up this morning in the most horrible pain I have ever, EVER been in my life. It was BAD, girls!!! :'( Yup, it was my period. I immediately scarfed down a 530 calorie fudge brownie, realized it was 530 calories, & threw it back up. Went to go lay down for a few more minutes, figuring I could get ready for school really fast later. Fell back asleep for 20 minutes. Woke up with 5 minutes til I needed to leave. Took a wicked fast shower, Tylenol, Motrin, & sprinted to school. Almost passed out in the hallway, made it to the bathroom & threw up because I was in so much pain. Took more Tylenol & Motrin. Sat through classes with no idea what was happening. And now, I have to go get ready to get on stage, sing, act, dance, the whole nine yards. I feel a little better, but not much. :P This is dumb. I can't wait til I lose my period once & for all!

OK, this is like the sweetest thing ever...

OK, I told you about writing love on my arm today in my last post. I've had a lot of people ask me about it all day, and I'm happy to tell them that I'm supporting everyone who struggles with self-injury. :) Then Cassie asked me. My first reaction was like, "You don't KNOW?", but I explained. She knows about the cutting. She was the first one to know. She got really quiet for a minute. Then she dug through my backpack for a pen, pulled up her sleeve, and wrote "LOVE" in huge letters on her arm. Then she hugged me tight & told me I was her best friend & she loved me. I kinda started tearing up, but it was happy tears. I hugged her back and told her, "Thank you for helping me stop cutting."
It's true. Love CAN replace cutting. Can it replace an eating disorder? I don't know yet.

Love On My Arms

Probably most of you have heard of To Write Love On Her Arms. (If you haven't go to twloha.com.It's pretty cool.) I have the word "LOVE" written on my arm in red Sharpie today to support all those who are struggling with cutting and other forms of self-injury. I was a cutter for a long time, so it's important to me to support those who have been where I have.
I've been thinking about the people who have "written love on her arms" by being there & caring about me. Family, friends, and of course all of you- my followers. Sometimes the world seems like a very dark place, but.... it's not really. No matter what is going wrong, all of us are loved. Even if we are only loved by one person, that would be enough. And I want y'all to know that you are loved by me.
<3
Nat

Little Update :)

You girls are so sweet & wonderful! I hope you all had an amazing weekend. :) I actually got a little extra sleep for once. This is performance week, so I don't know how much I will be blogging, but believe me, I will stay Ana-strong! :)
Steven, my boyfriend before Derek, gave me a call last night & wants to hang out. We're really good friends & everything, but he didn't tell me what he wanted &... I don't know... it was just weird the way he asked. I don't think I would go out with him again; I don't think he would ask. But I really don't know what's going on.
???

Random & Long... (sorry, don't feel like you have to read it)

I have a giant stack of homework, but I don't feel like doing it. So I'm posting again. I love blogging. It's a little scary telling people what I think. But it's OK. I wish I could come up with something beautiful or inspirational to say. I wish I could make y'all smile today. But I really have nothing to say.
I should just stop now. But I'm not going to...
Did y'all know that a 20 oz. diet Pepsi has 8 oz. of caffeine? I don't know how I missed that fact before today, but it's something new I learned. :)
Zero calories. 8 oz. of caffeine on an empty stomach. That should be good for me. The sad thing is I don't know if I mean that last sentence sarcastically or not.
I miss Kate. Most of y'all have probably read her blog. If you haven't, don't worry about it. She posts every month or two & says that next time she won't wait so long in between postings anymore. Then she does it again. I hate it. But I love her anyway. I don't know why, but she feels like my big sister. Maybe because my big sister does kind of the same thing in real life.
I don't think I've ever trusted anyone that deserved it. I trust people despite the fact that they let me down & break their promises over & over. I keep going back for more, keep forgiving, keep loving them. Once you have my love and my trust you have it forever. That makes me very vulnerable. It's sad.
OK, I can feel the caffeine getting to my stomach. It hurts. And I still have the nasty taste of aspartame in my mouth. I hate, hate, hate diet Pepsi.
I need a really big hug. I think I will stop now & go find someone to hug. :)Derek gave the best hugs ever. But he's not my boyfriend anymore. So I will not think about that.

Empty

I actually don't remember the last time I ate. Well, I did at Jakob's party, but I threw up so that doesn't count. I've been busy. I'm not hungry. So I haven't eaten. I don't know what I weigh. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
I told Cassie all that this morning. But we had classes to go to. She said we would talk. But we won't because there is always something going on. And it doesn't matter.

Courage

I went to my friend Jakob's birthday party last night. I hate people watching me eat.
I need you to know I'm not through the night.
Somedays I'm still fighting to walk towards the light.

Derek... I love you...

I know it's for the best. I know I'm too far gone, & I couldn't stand to make you watch your girlfriend slowly shrink into nothing. I know you couldn't understand why I was tired of trying, tired of fighting. I know you feel betrayed. I know you feel inadequate. I know you feel that I chose anorexia over you. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I shut you out. I'm sorry I loved you too much to let you in. If you completely understood what it's like inside my head right now, it would crush you inside. So I couldn't let you understand. And I let go.
Derek, I love you. I will always, always love you.
~Nat

Got Tagged :)

1) What is your favourite time of day? Why?
afternoon, because that's when i have the most energy
2) What are you currently obsessed with?
anorexia... yeah...
3) Cats or dogs?
dogs, definitely :)
4) Harry potter or twilight?
not really a big fan of either
5) Favourite tv programme?
sports, if that counts
6) Whats your favourite song for today?
hmmm... i have 2 :) stand in the rain (superchick)& taylor, the latte boy (kristin chenoweth)
7) Did you believe in the tooth fairy?
of course!!
8) Why did you start blogging?
to express my crazy self & connect with other people with eating disorders
9) Facebook or twitter?
facebook... but i don't really have to time to go on... i just blog :)
10) How are you?
freakin tired

and... ok... how do you tag people?

Wow... the amount of followers has doubled overnight! Thank you to Helen who put a link on her blog to mine & a few other people's blogs! And thank you to everyone that's following now!! :)
I feel a little better today. I called Heather, my big sis, last night & talked to her for about an hour. I love that girl. :) She thinks I should move into her apartment at least for the summer. So I might do that. A change of scenery might be good for me. Not having 2 other people in my room would be good too. Although I gotta admit I love Skyler & Brenna a lot. I just love everybody! And that makes it hard when I know I'm letting them down.
Well, I'm not coming up with a lot of original thoughts today. So I'll close with words from this song from Superchick.

Stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

It's Hard Today

I'm getting sick. I'm lonely. I love people & they don't love me. And all of this is because I wasn't strong enough to stand up & fight. I gave in. I let Ana take me. I took the easy way out. It's easy for me to focus on numbers instead of life. It's easy to come up with a reason not to eat instead of sitting down & giving my body the food it needs while my soul screams in protest. It doesn't take strength for me to be anorexic. It takes incredible strength to be normal. And I'm not strong.
I know this: I DON'T want to get well.
But if I don't, I will eventually die.
Thinking through all of this is too much right now. So I will do my homework while my friends eat lunch. After school I will go to rehearsal & come home & run. I will be a pound or two closer to nothing tomorrow. And I'll sing & feel good about it. And I'll be dying.
Girls, listen. Don't let yoursleves get this far. Get out of this trap while you still can. Because there will come a time when you can't. I'm there right now. Get out.
I love you,
Nat

Yeah, twice in one day...

The song I wrote about in my last post is "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz. It's not pro-ana at all, actually the opposite. But I like it. And I've noticed that, for me anyway, when I'm feeling good about myself it's easier to not eat. When I feel fat & ugly, I binge. Weird, huh? So I'm totally OK with telling myself I'm beautiful.
So I'm posting again just to let you girls know that Derek & I have officially broken up. I'm a little sad; I really do love him. But it's better this way. It was kinda a mutual decision. So don't feel bad for me or anything, I'm OK. What will make me feel A TON better is if I get lots of comments telling me these 3 things:
1. Why you are a beautiful person. I know it's hard to feel like we have beautiful bodies, but why are we beautiful PEOPLE?
2. What you did today just to make yourself happy.
3. What you did today just to make yourself thin. Right now, 2 & 3 are kinda the same for me. :) But they don't have to be.
Comment & tell everyone else to comment. I would kinda like to have more followers anyway...
<3 you all,
Nat

"Little girl, 21, you never thought this would come...

You starve yourself to play the part.
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are
There could never be a more beautiful you."
I sang along to these words as I got ready for school this morning. I put on my favorite necklace & a really cute shirt I borrowed from my sister. I smiled at myself in the mirror. Anyone that could have seen me would have that I was a normal girl. Maybe even a little happier than normal.
No one knows that I only ate half an apple yesterday & went running in the freezing rain. No one knows that I'm doing the same thing today. If they knew, they'd try to make me eat. And that would destroy the happy girl inside me.
When I fight, I hurt. When I let go, let myself sink down, suddenly I find myself flying higher than ever before. I'm beautiful. I'm thin and getting thinner. I'm anorexic. And I love it!

:)

I wasn't sure if anyone would read what I wrote yesterday. I was lashing out & trying to act like I don't care, but I felt so worthless. Then this morning I logged on & saw that Helen had commented. Thanks, girlie, that made me so happy! I think I will be OK now. :)
So yesterday, when I woke up my mom had breakfast made for me & a lunch packed. I waited until my parents & siblings had all left. (I don't have to be at school til 9 on Tuesdays & Thursdays.) Then I went downstairs & started running everything down the garbage disposal. I felt a little guilty... especially since she'd made biscuits which are really good. But I remembered a quote I heard once: "Wasting food is wasting food whether in a body that doesn't need it or in a trashcan. The difference is that it won't hurt the trashcan, but it will hurt you." I ate one baby carrot & ran up & down the stairs 40 times. (2 sets of 20 with a 30 second break in between) I felt so GOOD!!! I felt strong & powerful &.... Anorexic! The EDNOS, Mia feelings are hard to deal with. I'm not trying to put down anyone who has those disorders, but for me it's like, I was Ana's girl first & foremost & then all these other things happened & I changed. It feels really good to be getting back. It's like coming home. :)
I have to admit, I did eat a slice of pizza last night. I don't know how many calories, but it couldn't have been that many. Even if it was 500, that's still like the only thing I ate! So I'm not letting it get me down.
I had to be into school early this morning, so my mom hadn't even made breakfast yet. She gave me some money for food. I might get a Diet Pepsi or something later if I feel like I need energy. I should be OK with just water though.
Tonight is the photo shoot for the play I am in. Yeah, I made it btw. :) It's the Mikado by Gilbert & Sullivan & I am Pitti-Sing, the mezzo soprano. I know that probably made no sense to anyone... But anyway, photo shoot tonight. Here's to hoping I look thin! I'm not really supposed to lose weight until it's over, but a few pounds won't hurt. 3 weeks til curtain. 3 weeks til all out weight loss!YAAAAYYY!!!!

Here We Go Again

I can't do it. I can't do the recovery thing. I've been there before, and I'm not going there again.
Everyone says I'm not trying hard enough. How hard is enough? This is my 3rd time going through this, remember? I know what I'm doing better than you do. I TRIED! HARD! I ate when it made me hate myself. I got out of my house & walked all over town just so I wouldn't be able to go to my bathroom and throw up. But apparently I'm not trying hard enough. ??? I know I'm not perfect. Trust me, I hate that more than you do!!
Derek, Cassie, Ariel... they are all upset with me right now.:'(
Fine. If I can't recover well enough to make y'all happy, I'll be the best little ana you've ever seen. Because someone should be happy here! It might as well be me.

I'm Taking A Break

I can't tell you exactly what's wrong because I don't know. This blog thing has me torn between two worlds. I'm hurting. And I am not strong right now. Forgive me.
I need to go somewhere very safe within myself. This doesn't feel safe right now, putting my heart on a screen for the world. I have a lot to deal with. And I'm sorry I couldn't help y'all. :'(
I'll be back someday. I promise. Because I am not going to die.

A Little Angry Right Now

I have an audition this afternoon for a musical. The information the director gave me definitely did not say we have to be prepared to sing two songs! I just found out. I don't have my guitar. I don't have karoake (sp?)tracks. I don't have music for an accompianist. And I probably won't have time to practice. But I'm gonna go try out anyway!! And if I fail, that's just how it will have to be. I don't know what to sing though. >:( Maybe I can find a guitar somewhere... Idk. This is stupid. The director should have put this on the sheet.

Believe

I'm really at a loss for what to say right now. So... here are some song lyrics! The song is Believe by Britt Nicole & I <3 it!It kinda expresses the way I am feeling.

Wait, wait, wait, there's somethin' that I gotta say
It'll take, take, take, just a minute so don't walk away
I search in circles for a remedy
To fight the poison that is killing me
It's like I'm falling fast head over feet
Is anybody listening?

[CHORUS]
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will you help me
I wanna break through
I wanna believe in you

Hey, hey, hey, why is everyday the same for me?
Fake, fake, fake, just pretend what I'm suppose to be
I need an answer for my remedy
I need a Savior 'cause I'm in too deep
I reach up,
Will You reach down here to me?

[CHORUS]

You found me, You were looking for me
You found me, You were looking for me
You found me, You were waiting for me
I can see Your love
You found me, You were waiting for me
I can see Your love

I believe in You, I believe in You, I believe in You
I believe in You, I believe in You, I believe in You

[CHORUS x2]

Explanation

I haven't been commenting on some of your blogs lately and I feel bad. The reason is that for some of you when I try to go to your blog it shows a little warning first that there might be adult content. That screen apparently "red-flags" the IT department at school. I've still been reading everyone's posts in Google Reader, but I can't go directly to the blog anymore unless you want to take down the warning. :/ It's a little weird cause some of the blogs that are even more triggering or whatever, but don't warn you are fine. So I promise I am reading & supporting all of you. I <3 you girls!

Pizza

I went to Cassie's house after school yesterday. I was going to leave before they had dinner, but she told me I had to promise to eat at home. I couldn't promise her that, couldn't lie to my best friend.
"I don't know, Cassie. I'm trying, but it's really hard to make myself do it."
"I know. I'm sorry. But you really need to eat."
"Yeah, I know."
"Stay and eat with me."
"Cassie..." (whining)
"Just one piece of pizza. And some salad if you want it."
"Can I just have the salad?"
"Nope."
So I ate a piece of pizza. I hadn't had pizza in forever. I told her I couldn't eat it downstairs with her whole family. So we ate together in her room. It was all cheesy and greasy and... kind of delicious. Of course afterwards, all I could think about was throwing up. I pretty much curled up in her chair and cried because I hated my body so much. But here's the thing, I made it! It was a very small step, but it WAS a step! I <3 my buddy Cassie. :)

Hello Again :)

I haven't known exactly what I wanted to write in the last few days. Also I've had a lot going on with schoolchurchfamilydramabasketballbeingDerek'sgirlfriend.... Yeah, just like that. I'm a little tired. :P The eating thing is hard. Most of the time lately I have pretty good excuses not to eat because I'm so busy. In fact, it's more convenient to just grab some coffee and run to the next thing. But I know what's gonna happen. I'm gonna run out of energy. I'll black out and end up somewhere where they will make me eat if I don't make myself. It's hard though.
It's not easy letting go. Part of me has always wanted to get well. But...part of me hasn't. That part is sad.

I'm gonna get well.

Remind me I said that if I forget. OK?

Reaching a Solution

REASONS TO GET WELL
I want to live.
I am TERRIFIED of dying.
I want kids & if I don't get well, that won't happen.
I love my family. And my friends. And Derek.
I am more than an eating disorder.
I am tired of being tired.
Counting calories involves too much math. lol
I'm NOT fat.
Restricting leads to binging which leads to purging which is gross!
I don't want to destroy my throat and not be able to sing anymore.


REASONS TO NOT GET WELL.
I AM fat.
I don't like being fat.
I've been through recovery twice already, and I always come back.
I hate therapists. I will NOT talk to anymore of those people!
I don't want to be status quo. Even if I'm thin, I want to be thinnER than anyone else.

Come back tomorrow for the next episode...

That Stubborn Boy

"Derek, we need to talk."
"What's up?"
"I love you, but I can't be your girlfriend anymore."
"What?!"
"I'm sorry."
"OK, those two statements don't work together. Either you love me, or you want to break up. Which one is real?"
"Derek, this is not what I want to do!"
"Then don't do it. I love you!"
"You don't understand."
"Then tell me, Nat. Help me understand."
"I can't!" (I break down & cry. He hugs me.)
"Nat, what is it?"
"I- I have an eating disorder."
"I'm sorry, hun. I'm really sorry."
"I can't get well. I'm going to die. So we need to break up."
"Nat... what are you saying? You can get well."
"No."
"You CAN. Because you are the strongest woman I know and because I will not let you die. And I will not let you go."
"Derek, I've had this for years."
"You have me for the rest of your life."
"What if I dont want to get well?"
"Then you have me for the rest of your life which won't be as long." (I laugh. I can't help it.)

Which Way Is Up?

This was my weekend.
eat purge eat purge eat purge eat purge...

Not necessarily binging although I did some of that. But just eating. I couldn't stand it. And yet I kept trying. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should stay away from food. Starving is better than throwing up, isn't it?

My friends know I'm sick. I sometimes refuse to admit it even to myself. But even I cannot ignore the fact that what I'm doing is not normal, not healthy, not right.
So where am I going from here? I wish I could tell you.

I've been reading through your blogs. I'm seeing the fight to be thin versus the fight to live over and over. What does being thin really get us? 2 weeks ago I was 125 & now I'm 117. Does that make me better? Does that make me happier?

And yet... the thought of being fat scares me beyond words. And why? I've always been one to say I am more than my eating disorder. Then why can't I let it go?

I'm still doing a lot of soul-searching. If I find an answer, I'll let you know.

<3 Always,
Nat

History (Almost) Repeats Itself

I had a lot of things I wanted to talk about the other day, but this new situation has kinda made me forget them. Wednesday I was supposed to go running with Ariel after school. So I met up with her & Cassie was there too. That's when they told me I was not going running that day. I was going with them to get some cheesecake.

Flashback 2 years... I was at my lowest weight. I'd been living off apples, celery, and Diet Pepsi for... well... it seemed like forever. They took me to get cheesecake. Said they were worried about me. I couldn't eat it. Not even for them. I broke down crying. And I went into recovery. Then I went into bulimia. Then back to recovery. Now... I'm probably EDNOS. I'm not anorexic because my BMI isn't low enough and I still have my period.

So apparently my friends got worried and decided I needed another intervention. As soon as they said "cheesecake", I knew what was up. So I went with them. I ate the cheesecake & purged it later. And I tried to tell them I'm fine. It's not a big deal. Because it isn't... is it?

Why can't I just get well?

Quickie Post

119.5 pounds! Yay! I'm slowly builiding up my metabolism again. After a 5-day fast, even with juice, it drops some. I've been eating vanilla yogurt in the morning and mixing in some cinnamon. Then I eat a salad for lunch and dinner with no dressing, or cheese, or anything like that. Good stuff. I will try to let y'all know about the rest of my life later, but I need to go to class. Keep your fingers crossed for me because we're having a test I did not study for. :(

Wrestling, Starving, and Thinking...

Well, Derek did a great job at his wrestling tournament & ended up taking 2nd in his weight class. :) One of the guys told me I should be a cheerleader. I asked him what weight class he was in. As I figured, he was 125. Perfect. I took him down. I wrestled. I won. No, I should not be a cheerleader. :D I wish my school let girls wrestle. :'(
One more day of the juice fast. I'm excited to see how much weight I've lost. I am freakin' hungry right now, probably because I just got back from an early morning run & my body is craving carbs. I'll make it though. Be hungry today, be thin tomorrow.
I wonder why this matters so much. What do I think being thin will get me? I'm the girl that absolutely should not have an eating disorder. I have a family and friends that love me. I have a boyfriend who tells me I'm beautiful. I play sports; I act; I'm kinda popular. And I really don't HATE the way I look. I just... don't like it. If any of you are even thinking about recovery, I say go for it. Get some help if you need to. But just get well!

Mirror, Mirror

I took a good look at myself this morning. The arms scarred from an old habit of cutting. The emerging hipbones. The thighs that still touch a little. I tried to remember how and why I began to associate thinness with perfection. I couldn't.
I wonder sometimes how this story will end...
Anyway... I am excited for this weekend! Derek, my boyfriend, has a wrestling tournament, so I'm going to go and cheer for him. :)
Juice fast is still on.
Love to anyone & everyone who reads! <3
Nat

Ana and I

First, I want to say thank you for the comments! :) It's way more fun to blog if you know people read it. :)
So this room situation is gonna take a little while to adjust to. But there's no getting out of it, so I'm just gonna have to tough up & make it work. There is one plus- stress makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn't eat if I wanted to right now. Breakfast is easy to skip & I usually practice my guitar during lunch. If people see me take a sandwich into the practice room with me, they don't worry. I throw it away, and the problem is solved. :) Dinner is tricky, but last night I did my homework at Cassie's house, so I used the classic excuse. "No, I'll go home and eat.... No, I ate at Cassie's house." Total calorie intake: 0
I'm gonna liquid fast for the next 5 days hopefully. I'm really motivated to lose weight right now. The "normal" side of me is screaming, wanting me to protect myself, not take this risk just to be thin. It's ok, Nat. Ana knows what she's doing.

CRAP...

Okaaayy, so my life just got turned upside down. I'm literally shaking. What kind of parents would do something like this to me? OK, I'll try to calm down & explain.
Until yesterday I had 6 people living in my house. Now... there's 8. Just like that. My Grandpa moved in with us yesterday. I wouldn't mind if I had known it was coming. But, no, I got 2 1/2 hours to prepare. My sister had to move into my room. I love my sister, but my room really isn't big enough for 2. I had to move half my stuff into the basement. My books, my stuffed animals, even some of my clothes...
Then it got worse. I mentioned Brenna in my last post. She's been spending a lot of time at my house because her parents are having problems. She called last evening & wanted to spend the night. My parents thought it was a great idea. So she slept in my room too. THEN, this morning, my parents & her parents talked & decided it would be better if she STAYED with us. Like for weeks or months or whatever. Are you kidding me?
I'm trying not to be selfish. I mean, I love my Grandpa & Brenna & I know they really do need to have a good place to stay. But... OK, the number of shoes in my closet just quadrupled! Can you blame me for being a little freaked out?!
I can't sleep with people in my room. I don't really do well at sleepovers even. Now this. How am I gonna do my homework, play my guitar, even change clothes with 2 other people?
OK, I will look on the bright side. At least Heather has not decided to move back home. Yet.

More People... and Me

I came up with names for people that I will probably mention in my blog fairly often.
Heather- my big sis
Skyler- my little sis
Drew- my little bro
Lukas- my littlest bro
Derek- my boyfriend <3
Jakob- Ariel's boyfriend
Steven- my ex-boyfriend & still a good friend (I don't know why we ever dated. We never liked each other in that way. We laugh about it now.)
Alex- Steven's twin brother
Brenna- Skyler's best friend who spends a lot of time at our house. She is super thin without even trying which really triggers me.
Will- Skyler's ex-boyfriend who is quite sad about losing my sister. I told him he could talk to me anytime... and he takes me up on that.
Nat- me :) I purposely picked a name that rhymed with Kat. Her old blog Quest for Perfection was one of my favorites & I miss it. (Although I love Kate's blog too.) Seeing 2 sides of the same story has shown me who I am. I'm not your conventional pro-ana. And I'm not pro-recovery. I really don't know exactly what I want, but I do know this- I am more than my eating disorder. It's part of my life, but not the whole thing. Most of the girls who are blogging about their eating disorders seem to be consumed with that one area of their life. I'm not condemning that, but I know it can't be easy for them. I read their blogs & see how much pain they are in, and I cry for them. And I pray they will be able to love themselves with or without ana, which ever way they choose in the end.
This blog will hopefully show a bigger picture of life. I want it to maybe give a little light & hope.

My Favorite People :)

I know, I know, I'm posting twice in one day & I don't even have a single follower yet. But I was bored... And I want to tell you about the people in my life because so much of who I am comes from them.
First, my Daddy! He's the best dad in the world, no questions asked. I'm a lot like him in my ability to make people laugh and be totally oblivious to the haters. Unlike me, he's a really good cook & extremely smart. He'd do pretty much anything to give me the best life possible, and my worst fear is disappointing him. So... even though he's super understanding, I keep my eating disorder hidden from him. I know he would be sad. He's the person in my family I'm the closest to.
Then I have my friend Cassie. She's my "princess" friend. Loves girly movies, dressing up, and all that. Totally klutzy, trips over flat surfaces on a regular basis. We have great times making fun of each other, but when it comes down to it, when I'm crying, she's the one I want to be with. She'll sit with me & let me lay my head on her shoulder until I'm calmed down. She always, always understands. I trust her with my life.
My other good friend is Ariel. She's kinda quiet until you get to know her, but she's one of the awesomest people in the world. I hate video games for the most part (cause I'm horrible at them), but she has got me HOOKED on Wii Fit. She's also my running buddy although a lot of our runs end at the coffee shop, so I'm not sure how effective that is. She's very logical and good at seeing all different angles of a problem, so she helps me kinda sort things out. I love her lots.
So those are my 3 best friends on earth. I have a few more people I want to write about, but I really do need to get some homework done.

Below the Surface

Last time, I presented my life as others see it. Today I'm going to go a little deeper. This blog is called "Up and Down" for a reason. Remember I told you that I never give up? I'm in a battle. I've been fighting for a long time, and the end is still far away. I have an eating disorder. I want to get well. I don't want to get well. And so I fight with myself every day. And until I find a solution, I will keep fighting.

Gettin' This Thing Started

This is the first of what I hope will be many posts just talking about my life and the lessons I learn from it. You will learn a lot more about me, but for now I just want to say that I'm a random, crazy girl who never, ever gives up. Remeber that, it will be important. I love acting, sports, writing, and people. :) And I am probably the stubbornest girl in the world.